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Sep. 10th, 2008

I can't seem to put myself into study mode at all. :/ I have one more final tomorrow before I go on my summer break for a week and a half. I'm so excited! I'm getting my wisdom teeth pulled! Can you sense the sarcasm wafting off of my pixels?

Anyway, I have so many things to do and worry about. I feel like I can't satisfy everyone including myself. I miss the "good old days" when I was young and time seemed limitless. I'm talking like I'm forty years old, but I'm twenty. Hah.

When I grow up, oops, I'm already grown up. When I finally want to settle down, I want to marry a top chef. BUT. Before that, I want to meet someone. Considering the constant theme of my entries, it's obvious who it is. Then, I think if I died, I wouldn't have any regrets.

I really should be studying right now.
I really want a longboard.
I hope my job comes through for me.
The more I think about it, the more I think I have nothing to live for. I can't look back on my life and smile. I can't look at my future and think I have a chance to become something I can be proud of. Earlier this summer, I thought I would be okay. That I would make a turn around and that all the pieces of my life were finally falling into place. I was wrong. There have been so many mishaps that I can't seem to accept, to overcome. Life has its obstacles but I'm too immature to accept them. I keep looking and expecting a perfect, ideal life, but that's not reality. I can't accept reality. I can't accept changes. Is this where being spoiled comes in? That if I bitch and whine something I like will happen? That things will go my way? Of course, that isn't reality either.

When am I going to grow up?
When I finally accept that things can't always go my way.

A few days ago, I thought I was content. However, everytime I go back home, I realize what I've been missing in my life. What I didn't have compared to others. I keep wishing for relationships and experiences that I blame my parents for not giving me. I don't care if they love me unconditionally. Seeing them reminds me of my flaws, my failures, and everything else that I hate about myself and my life.

I truly, madly, deeply hate myself. I feel like a failure. I am a failure in my own eyes. Looking back on my life, I wish I was never born. Then perhaps my parents would be happier now. After all, they stuck together for the last twenty years for the sake of maintaining a "family" for me, but what kind of environment did I truly grow up in?

I can go on and on, but I won't. I know where my mistakes are. I know what I have to do. I just need to DO IT.

I really do wish I was never born.
I feel like a part of me just died right now. It's almost like a flashback to last fall where I was so deep in depression. Same pain, different cause. I think everything about reality just hit me right now all over again.

I feel like such a fob. I can't seem to skillfully manipulate the English language to adequately represent my thoughts. My previous entry seems heartless in a way or ..

I don't know. I give up. I feel like I'm going to cry! Maybe it's because I started my period today. Would that explain the buildup of emotions?

I've been really careful with my relationships with people. I don't think anyone would worry. I think it's time.

God, it really hurts.

My mom was always a little overdramatic. Sometimes, I'm just like her.

My chest really hurts.

Aug. 13th, 2008

I miss the days when I could just sit around and waste my time without having any worries. Now, I wish I had more time in a day to spend. My life currently seems like one of those Harvest Moon games where one task takes up the entire workday. I just want to be irresponsible and run away from it all.

I've grown tired and bored with my "friends" at UCDavis. I hope I'll meet some new people in the upcoming school year. I know it's bad to recycle your friends every few weeks, but I can't seem to relate or trust anyone. It's not that I'm cocky and think "No one deserves my trust," but the ones that I can trust are the ones I never see on a regular basis. I guess I'll never have close friends that I can talk to everyday. I get bored of people if I see them too often or talk to them too often. There's only so much I can tolerate before feeling antsy. It's okay if I take a break from them though, then catch up. Maybe I just need some "alone time," which is what I'm doing now. I haven't been going out at lately aside from going to the gym and classes. It feels nice.

I realized I highly lack social skills. Not only am I shy, but I can't keep up a conversation. To be honest, I'd rather sit there and listen then talk. The stories people tell me are more interesting than debating something.

I still feel like everyone is out to get me; that everyone has an ulterior motive. Maybe that's true of some and not of others. Who knows? I just have to keep being on guard until I'm ready to face the world. Sometimes I wonder if it's not unconditional love but actually my loss of faith in humanity that I can't seem to let go of my so-called (ex)bff. Maybe it's both. I can't establish relationships with people when I don't give anyone chances.

P.S. I can't believe Bernie Mac is dead.
My life is slowly picking up. I guess I'm finally beginning to get my act together, but I'm far from feeling content. Those rare breaks where I don't have to worry about school is when I'm the happiest. The past weekend was the only time I felt so happy and light-hearted despite my worries. For once, I was able to smile and feel like I truly meant it.

My subconscious is making a fool out of me in my dreams. I won't digress, but my dreams really are manifesting all my worries and regrets. I probably should be sleeping right now, but I can't help but think about my past. Well, I'm comparing myself to who I was a year ago. Looking back, I honestly think I've changed from who I used to be. Not enough to be unrecognizable, but changed nonetheless. In a way, I feel more independent of others, yet less competent than I've felt before. Needless to say, I still can't put my emotions or thoughts sufficiently into words.

I'm torn between being open or hiding my thoughts now. I understand that being honest and hiding nothing can lead to consequences that I did not mean to create. It leaves me vulnerable even if it's just words typed in an online journal. I can't simply assume that no one reads my journal anymore. I guess I'll just take a deep breath and let loose.

Despite everything in my life right now that I should be worrying about, my greatest worry is still Susan. I wonder how long that will last? I know that in the back of my mind, I still haven't let go of the prospective that we could be the same. I just need to take a deep breath and remind myself that there's nothing I can do. Looking back on the month of June, I regret some of my actions, but it's out of my hands now. I just need to focus on all my responsibilities right now. Hopefully, that will help me look away.

I honestly don't understand the random blocks on AIM. I guess it shouldn't matter. It just comforts me to know she's still alive, knowing how accident-prone she is. I wonder how I'll react if one day I go online and I don't see any signs of her. I know that if it happens now, I'll truly feel like a part of me has been ripped away. It seems my greatest weakness remains the same. It seems I still remain foolish. Knowing my weakness, would it be used against me?

I need to take a deep breath and just breathe.

Maybe now I'll feel a little at peace.

I guess I just wanted to say that it's okay. You don't have to talk to me. I honestly don't want you to. Every text message you send me is like another stab at where I'm vulnerable. If this is about reconciling, we're on good terms. If this is about me needing someone to talk to, it's okay, I have people that I need to learn to trust and open up to. If this is about fucking me over, please don't. To be honest, I haven't completely gotten over what happened last year. Pathetic yeah? It still hurts. lol

I guess the point of this WHOLE EMAIL is..if you want to simply just know that we're over things, we're okay. I know I promised that I'd be there. I've kept that to some extent, haven't I? I don't know what you want from me. Probably nothing but just some idle amusement like you seem to want me to believe. I'm sorry, Susan. I don't need someone there that I can't even hold a real conversation with. Talking to you feels so empty and forced. I'll still chill with you this summer if you come up. That'll be okay. Otherwise, let's just move on with our lives, yeah? I love you and somehow I still hold you really close to my heart, but I can't talk to you until I can trust others again. The empty conversations get to me. Stop trying. Not when you don't even care. Not when you don't trust me either. It's pointless.

I went back to read over my email from last month. I wonder if she read it! Maybe it just went into junk mail. I'm surprised I had it in me to say what I did.

^^^^^^^^^^ lol I wrote that sometime past midnight yesterday and here I am again. I've been reading a lot of random things lately and I was reminded of something. It doesn't matter what's technically right and what's technically wrong. I shouldn't keep worrying. As corny as it sounds, I should just follow my heart without regret. Then whatever happens, just happens. I wouldn't feel guilty about the consequences.

So. I may have told her to go away, but I think it was the right thing to do for her and for me. I make it sound like it still matters to her that we talk. Maybe it does, maybe it doesn't. All that matters is that I know in my heart that she has friends out there that care for her and I don't fit in her life. No matter how much I miss her stories, watching food network together, writing snail mail, etc., it's all in the past. Life moves on. It would've been fun if she really did goto college with me, if we roomed together, if we got those silly best friend necklaces and went to build-a-bear together, but that's not reality. Maybe now I can accept that our paths are diverging further.

I know that I don't want her completely out of my life, but it's a consequence I'll have to accept. I've forgotten what my promises really meant. I see her as my little sister and I probably always will. I'll always be there for her like I promised. It's so simple. I was blinded by all the bitterness and forgot that she's like family to me.

It's amazing how after a year, I wasn't able to let go, but maybe I can now. I forgot about what it really means to love someone unconditionally. I was blinded too much by my own pain, selfishness and self-wrought anguish. Come to think of it, I think I always thought that maybe if I was true to this friendship, she'd stop the compulsive lying. Hmm. Oh well.

Point is.

My heart tells me that our lives are probably going in completely opposite directions. You were never a very reasonable person and I know better now then to play your games. Regardless, my promises still hold. Even if you don't need it, I'm there for you for as long as I'm able and I still believe in you. I guess this is either part of my foolishness or my stubborn innocence. You'll always be more of a lil obnoxious sister to me than a best friend. That door is always open. You just have to walk through.

Broken thoughts, a tired heart

I think in the next six months, I can gradually stop being so angry about a lot of things. Funny how most (if not all) of my college friends think I really hate, detest, wish hell on Korean people. I don't hate Koreans. I really don't.

I think I come off as really bitter and angry to people, but I'm not. If anything, I'm really tired. Being angry and bitter is the only defense I have and it gives myself a brief moment of energy. I know it's immature. I'll grow past it.

I don't hate Korean people. To be honest, looking at them makes me so sad. Watching the food network makes me a little sad. Having people blow me off for their best friends makes me a little sad. Seeing "Las Vegas" everywhere is like a stab in my heart.

I know a big part of me is still very vulnerable. My anger protects me since I don't think I have the trust or the support to rely on anything else. People scare me. I need to learn how to be strong, independent, etc. I thought being angry was a good beginning, but now I might be just more tired than ever.

I do miss that kid, Susan Park. Sometimes I wish things could be the same again. I honestly believed I could see her this summer, but I doubt that's going to happen. I won't deny, I was looking forward to it. Oh well, I can only pray that she's okay, that she's healthy, and that she'll succeed. I'm glad she has Jay and Jon to turn to.

Mommy wants a haircut. Time to drive somemore.

I'm really tired. I've been dreaming about my mother dying lately and sometimes I dream of dying. Sometimes I wonder how long I have left to live.

P.S. @ 2:20AM
Sometimes I wonder if she's replaced me and who she's replaced me with. I remember having a conversation with her about how you could never replace someone. Each person is so unique that they're just irreplaceable. But then I remember much later how she said I was easy to replace, all she had to do was find a bitch. lol.

I'm a horrible person.

P.S.S. July 19, 2008 01:01AM
It seriously hurts whenever someone says Vegas. I feel this pang of pain, envy, and maybe even loss everytime. I hate it. I don't understand why I miss that kid so much.

I keep letting my guard down around people that I find interesting, but then I realize that I'm just setting myself up for a fall. They're not people I could trust.

I need to keep my defenses up. I need to keep my defenses up. I need to keep my defenses up.

I'm so tired, but the Dark Knight was good. Wall-e made me smile. (:
I'm cleaning my room right now and I realized that I'm missing an eraser and pen that Susan gave me. I don't even know when it happened. I probably brought them to class and lost them somehow. I doubt they're in my room. I don't see anything.

Man, I'm surprised how miserable this made me, but why? Is it because I'm sad that I lost them or because a part of me realizes that I really don't care anymore?

lol. I'm pathetic. This is pathetic. I guess I'm going to morning glory the next time I drive home.

I wonder what other superficial things I've lost, but have forgotten.
I need to learn some real humility. I need to keep an open-mind and a controlled temper. I need to learn how to breathe and keep my priorities focused.

I have a lot of learning to do.

Let's start this over.

(: You know, it's so much easier to act like an immature bitch. It's just the consequences that are difficult.