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I was a pesky little thing not too long ago.
Wow. In 2 months and 16 days, I'll have had this journal for TEN YEARS.

TEN YEARS.

Pokemon List

Pokemon White
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It's been two years. I don't know if I've grown/matured but I do know that I definitely need a layout change.

Not going to lie, I'm back because I want to trade pokemon. LOL.

Jan. 23rd, 2009

For some reason, I feel like it's still a secret, but it's not: My mom has cancer.




I'm not attached to you anymore. What happened?
I've felt so miserable lately. I feel like it's Fall 2007 all over again. Wake up after 4 hours of sleep. Skip eating (no appetite). Classes. Skip lunch (no appetite). Hang out with pledges. Go home. Eat something realy light. Skip dinner (no appetite). Go out. Come back. Sleep.

Wash, rinse, and repeat.

Can't eat. Can't sleep. I feel like I'm dying, but I hide it pretty well. Did my depression come back? When I go out, everyone thinks I'm so funny and "cool." Makes me laugh.

On a lighter note, watching Saw 5 on Halloween was okay. I hate scary movies so I probably watched only half of it and covered my eyes the other half of the time. Haha. Didn't really go to any parties. I just went to one and left after about two hours. Not too bad of a Halloween, I guess.
It still hurts. I keep waking up everyday expecting my best friend to be back. Have you forgotten me yet?

So begins another school year..

I can't be myself anymore because people will be watching me. I can't turn my back on anyone anymore. I can't do anything anymore. A lot of people will be watching my actions this quarter, so I have to be weary. Well, it's not that I have to be weary, but I don't want to be labeled. I've been so miserable lately and I know it shows. I don't socialize. I keep to myself. I'm anti-social in a social setting. I feel like I'm sinking into depression again. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what I want.

I'll fix myself on my own, but in the meantime, I can't show how miserable I am anymore. Only when I'm at home behind closed doors. God, this blows.

Actually, I know why I'm depressed. I'm just in complete denial. Depression, the state in which one one is subjected to negativity and the inability to care about taking care of oneself. I'm feeling it.
Everyone tells me I'm wasting my time and that I should just let everything go.

I can't. It's important to me.

SPX - I don't expect you to reply to this.

Remember my long messages to you? lol. I don't exactly know what's going on, but .. Regardless of whether you want my personal opinion or not, I think you should stick with what you know that's true or not. Ashur is someone you've met right? He's someone that you can physically see, physically touch, and interact with. I didn't just send you a card. I wrote..letters, but I mentioned a study about communication. I think the fact that you can look someone in the eyes and interact with them makes everything more realistic. You can misinterpret SO MUCH in an email or a phone call. Do you get where I'm going with this?

Anyway, as a friend (if I still have the opportunity to be one), I have to be realistic where you, the emotional subject in question, can't be. Jon hasn't died. Maybe he's miraculously recovering or maybe it was all a fabricated lie. I honestly still don't believe anything about him, but I don't know him. I think the fact that he's reappeared in your life and telling you he still loves you is tearing you apart because he was something you really wanted in the past. It's difficult to let go of something or someone that you've once loved, right?

I had a chat with my cousin and she's been in and out of relationships. She's twenty-eight and she's going to couple's therapy with her recent boyfriend. likeomgwtf couple's therapy at age 28?! But she's only giving him a chance because he's the only guy she's ever been with that's made her look back and think "what if?" That really struck me, but I don't think this view really applies to you. I'm not sure though. You seem like the type to always say "what if?" Haha. ;P

Out of everything, I was glad that you recognized that no choice you make will make everyone happy. Because of that statement, maybe you'll be able to step back and make a wiser choice for yourself. Make a choice that will make you happy in the long-run, not the short-run. I think you know that though. It seems like your life is always falling apart. Aren't you tired? :/ Remember how I used to push you about your academic goals? I won't anymore but I hope you learn to keep your goals distinct from one another. Learn to shield some goals from others and keep them out of conflict. It'll help your stress level and keep you from depression.

Wow, I typed a lot. I wonder if you'll read it all. lol. Okay! Time to clean. (: I have a long day tomorrow. 7am to 10PM basically. -_- Work from 8-12. Drive back to San Jose. Pick up my friend from the station. Community service from 5PM-10PM. YAAY MEEE. ;) I doubt your day is any better. Cheer up, Susan ! I didn't get to tell you, but I mailed your card yesterday.

P.S. Why do you never send me pictures of yourself, punk?!